beating approach anxiety

Step One - Mental Reframes:
The first part of beating approach anxiety is how you think about approaching.
Most guys have one of a few different thoughts:
1. “I don’t know what to say, so I can’t approach.”
2. “She’s so hot; I hope I don’t mess this up.”
3. “That’s scary.”
4. “What if she rejects me?”
5. “She won’t like me because I’m too fat, short, ugly…”


None of these thoughts are productive.
The first mental reframe is that approaching can only ever be one of two things.
It’s either going to be boring or fun. That’s it. If you approach a group and they
reject you, it’s boring and you can leave.
If at first it’s going really well and then you stall out, it’s boring and you can leave.
If it goes well, it’s fun. That’s it. You are under no obligation to stay in a
conversation if you’re not having fun, no matter how hot the girl is.
The next mental reframe relates to the concept of resistance. When most guys
get AA they try to push their way out of it. I used to berate myself into
approaching consistently. Now this can work, but it’s an unhealthy and wholly
time consuming process. Plus, there are some nights where you won’t be able to
get yourself over the hump.
The problem is that by resisting the AA you actually make it stronger. In Eastern
philosophy there is a phrase, “That which you resist persists.” That means that
the more you fight against something the stronger it becomes.
So instead of getting annoyed or angry by the fact that you have approach
anxiety, accept it. Think to yourself “Yep I have approach anxiety”. By not
fighting the anxiety, you strip it of a lot of its power.
Another mental reframe I want to talk about involves focus. Focus is simply
where your attention is directed. There are two separate and distinct ways to use
focus to overcome approach anxiety.
The first way to use focus to lessen AA comes into play when you first see a girl
you’re attracted to. If you’re like most guys, then you immediately start thinking
of reasons why she wouldn’t like you or you can’t approach her.

Instead, you want to start focusing on why you want to approach her. You should
think to yourself how amazing it would be to hold her against you, how sweet her
lips will taste, the noises she’ll make as you’re taking her from behind.
Think of anything that will keep the focus on why you want her and have to
approach, as opposed to building a case for why it’s a waste of time and she
won’t like you. This will also help you be in a more sexualized state when you
approach, which will sub-communicate itself through things like bedroom eyes
and voice.
The second way to use focus to lessen anxiety is through shifting your focus
outward. Maybe you’ve heard the term “stuck in your head”. If not, it refers to the
process of over-thinking and analyzing things when you should be taking action.
Being stuck in your head can happen for a variety of reasons, approach anxiety
being one of them.
So when you’re stuck in your head it can be helpful to simply shift your focus
externally by looking at ANY inanimate object and really allowing yourself to
become fixated by it. It can be a chair, a bench, a tree, whatever. I know it
sounds a little woo-woo and new-age, but allow yourself to drink it all in.
Think about what it would feel like to be that object, how it relates to the rest of
the environment etc… If you can let yourself become amused by it or, if not by it,
by the ridiculous amount of effort and time that went into making and getting that
object where it is, you’ll notice that you’re forced out of your head because your
thoughts stopped being about yourself and approaching. Thus, the AA
disappeared. The key with this technique is to approach immediately after
focusing on the inanimate object.
Add an extra degree of difficulty by approaching while talking about the object.
Before we move out of the realm of the mental and into the more tactical, I want
to introduce the concept of the light switch. What I mean by this is that I view my
desire to approach a girl as if it’s a light switch. That means if I see a girl I am
attracted to and my brain says “yes she’s hot” then I approach. If it doesn’t then I
don’t.
Now this simplifies everything because it boils it down to a yes/no decision on
your part. No more humming and hawing about whether or not she’s attractive
enough or if the moment is right. Yes = approach. No = forget about her and
move on. You want to train yourself on this process so that when you approach
you don’t blurt out “you’re very pretty”.

You’ll get used to approaching women as soon as you make the decision you
want to.
This establishes a habit and, much like working out, once you’ve done this all the
time for 6 weeks or so, it will seem weird to not approach.
Ok onto the tactics for beating AA.
The first tactical way to beat approach anxiety is by doing warm up approaches.

This is a great way to get past the fear of approaching, because it takes away a
huge amount of outcome dependence. Since you know that you won’t be trying
to pick up the girls, it takes all of the pressure off approaching. It’s also fast, as
you can usually do all three of these warm up approaches on your way to
wherever you’re going to be meeting women.
The more comfortable you are in your environment, the less approach anxiety
you will have. So one of the best things you can do to work on your approach
anxiety is make a list of places you want to go to meet girls. These can be bars,
clubs, coffee shops, wherever.
They should be places that have the types of girls you want to meet, and that
ideally you like hanging out at. You can even take a night and get used to hanging
out at these places. You can talk to the staff, watch the girls get hit on, but focus
on getting comfortable in that environment. That way, the next time you go in you
won’t have to worry about adjusting to the environment in addition to worrying
about approaching.
Deep breathing is another tool for fighting approach anxiety in the moment. As
soon as you feel yourself getting nervous, take two or three deep breaths where
you hold before you exhale.
Physiologically when you are having approach anxiety your body is tensing up.
As adrenaline is released, your body starts to tighten up and your breathing goes
shallow. By taking a few deep breaths, you stop that process which should relax
you a decent amount.
It’s very important that as soon as you see a group or a girl you want to
approach, you start walking. The first step is often the most difficult, so make
sure to get moving as quickly as you can.

be sure that you actually walk up to the girl. Some students have been
known to make abrupt U-turns or keep walking past them. The idea is to put
pressure on yourself by walking over there. It’s a lot harder to approach from
across the room than it is from right there.
Lastly, I want to talk about high social pressure situations. These are great for
getting rid of approach anxiety. I used to have a rule at boot camp, that as soon
as I walked into a venue, I would approach the most difficult seeming group.
The reason I did that was twofold. First, exposing yourself to that much social
pressure always eases anxiety. Once you walk up to a group of two “9”s and five
guys seated in a booth in the back of a crowded club, the two girls at the bar
don’t seem as scary.
Secondly, the more difficult the approach, the greater the chance of a blowout
and nothing is better for getting over approach anxiety than getting blown out.
Think about it like this, a blowout is the worst thing that can happen when you
approach a group.
Not only do they not want to have sex with you, they don’t even want to talk to
you! But guess what? When you get blown out, you don’t bleed, you don’t get any
broken bones, and you can still breathe. The great thing about getting blown out
is that you’ve seen the worst it can get, and you survived it. And as a very good
friend of mine once told me, fear plus surviving that fear, equals confidence.
Ok, so let’s talk about how to apply this information. All of these ideas are
designed to be used out in the real world. I’m not a big believer in any tactics to
deal with approach anxiety that can’t be used when you’re out in the real world
approaching.
So the real first step is getting out of the house and finding women you want to
approach. Once you want to approach, but are having approach anxiety:
Apply one or more mental reframes. Remind yourself that approaching can only
ever be fun or boring. Ask yourself the empowering question: “How can I make
this more fun?” Remember to accept the feeling of approach anxiety rather than
resisting it. Focus on what you want to happen, not what could go wrong.
Take some form of action at the same time. It’s no good to just sit there mentally
reframing, you have to get your body involved in the process as well. So while
you’re mentally reframing things, you should be walking towards girls you want
to talk to, complimenting 3 different girls or groups to warm up, and taking deep
breaths.

So now that we’ve dealt with approach anxiety, we can move on to sexual
anxiety.
Sexual anxiety is anxiety associated with sexual situations. This can come from
your upbringing, inexperience with women and sex, religious views, your beliefs
about women, and even internal success barriers. This anxiety can manifest
itself in a variety of ways.
By far the most common way is escalation anxiety. Guys with SA can’t escalate
the interaction verbally or physically. Oftentimes they get stuck in the dreaded
“friend zone”.
Another way that SA comes up is through excuse making and rationalizations.
This is where guys will say things like “I could have pulled, but I was tired”, “I
don’t really wanna have sex with these girls; I just like the pickup”. Guys will also
rationalize SA. They’ll say things like “I just didn’t like her” or “She had weird
toes”. SA can even cause impotence for some people, based on the stress of
feeling like you will be judged sexually.